My fiction page should be the one with the most vibrant, witty content. To show what a great writer I am. How’s it going so far?
WHIMSICAL DOCTOR SHOE It is the story of the last seven days before the separation of the conjoined Spitnode twins, Reuss and Kellner, heirs to the Spitnode's Department Store fortune. The bulk of the story is taken up by Reuss Spitnode's manuscript, written almost a year after the operation that left him without his Brother, immediately before he was apparently kidnapped by a person or persons unknown.
The manuscript was edited and introduced by someone called "Charles Hoerner," who seems to have his own agenda -- an agenda that appears to run counter to that of Reuss Spitnode. Especially where the mysterious "Doctor Shoe," the surgeon who performed the procedure that separated the twins, is concerned.
Doctor Shoe himself is an eccentric, whimsical man, who forces the twins to perform a series of humiliating tasks in the last seven days leading up to the separation. These tasks, which include rollerblading on the Santa Monica pier, performing as clowns at a child's birthday party, and performing karaoke in the nude, have little to do with "medicine," and more to do with, perhaps, revenge. It’s available for purchase from Amazon here.
ARSOLE FANTÜME GENTLEMAN IMMORALIST is a bizarro horror fiction featuring a horrifying supervillain who murders by enema in Paris in 1901. The “murder by enema” stuff is only the beginning. This is one of the strangest things I’ve ever read in my life. Murder, crime, bizarre psychology, secret organizations, hypnosis, mind control, necrophilia, and of course a series of enemas of ever-increasing invention and weirdness. The wonder is not that the sequels weren’t published- it’s that the first novel was published at all. It makes “Torture Garden” and “The Story of O” look like- well, it makes them look really tame. You can find it here on Amazon.
LIVE IT DOWN: Duke Redmond, former professional wrestler, lives a solitary life in Los Angeles in 1976. His body is broken and battered from years of entertaining the masses during wrestling's golden age of the 1950s and '60s, when he wrestled as the flamboyant heel "Duke Continental."
Sara Sota, the widow of Duke's former colleague Larry, known in the ring as "Steele Trapp," asks Duke to look into the circumstances of Larry's death. Duke has no reason to think that Larry's death is anything other than a suicide, because after all, wrestlers don't die of old age, or natural causes. And Duke himself has occasionally thought of putting an end to his own miserable suffering, for which he self-medicates. Nevertheless, Duke begins looking into Larry's death and soon begins uncovering information that suggests maybe Larry didn't go crazy and kill himself.
Then, Duke's niece Honeysuckle shows up unannounced from Iowa, declaring her intention to enroll in classes at UCLA. Duke reluctantly makes room for her in his cramped one-bedroom apartment. But she hasn't come into town to study; she wants to be a dancer. Her attempts to create a new life for herself bring her to the attention of a porno producer who wants to use her in his latest endeavor which will be distributed using the freshest entertainment technology-- videotape.
LIVE IT DOWN is available for purchase here.
MELEE CHILD: Former elite military intelligence police officer Jock Scratcher lives the life of a drifter, traveling from town to town, staring danger right in the face, and then head-butting it. And kicking it in the groin. And drinking plenty of cups of coffee and bacon. But now, a sinister plot has forced Scratcher to give up his itinerant life in exchange for a nine-to-five office job and a three-bedroom house in the suburbs. It’s pure hell for a man of action.
Even worse: Scratcher is on a collision course with the Melee Child, a three month-old baby who happens to be Eastern Europe’s deadliest assassin, leaving a trail of dead bodies and dirty diapers in his wake.
This parody of the Jack Reacher books can be purchased here.
I’ve also written a couple of mystery stories featuring Chris and Dan, a high strung movie studio international marketing assistant and his layabout roommate. The first was published in MYSTERY WEEKLY MAGAZINE, and the second was published in MYSTERICAL-E.
With my friend Ed Gorman, I published a mystery story in ELLERY QUEEN MYSTERY MAGAZINE, and the KOLCHAK collection PASSAGES OF THE MACABRE.
Coming soon, I’ve got a KOLCHAK horror novel to be published by Moonstone, and two dark crime graphic novels to be published by Short, Scary Tales.
JACKED: A CRIME FICTION ANTHOLOGY edited by Vern Smith: This is an eclectic, literate collection of short crime and mystery stories. The closing piece is my own “The Gryfters,” a novelette featuring Chris and Dan caught up in the dangerous, nasty world of criminal ridesharing. When Chris’s dependable Kia is out of commission, they’re forced to use Dan’s less-than-dependable Monte Carlo to traverse Los Angeles in pursuit of a lost cell phone.
MYSTERY MAGAZINE June 2022, edited by Kerry Carter: This issue features my story “Backstory,” in which a slip-and-fall artist slips and falls in the wrong family themed restaurant, and become entangled in a criminal/law enforcement nightmare.
DIE LAUGHING: This is a hardcover collection of more than 40 short humorous crime and mystery stories released by the great MYSTERY MAGAZINE (formerly MYSTERY WEEKLY). I was lucky enough to place TWO stories in this great collection, edited by Kerry Carter:
“It Might Be Murder for Hire”
This story features Dan and Chris, the two doofuses who have appeared in several publications (including MYSTERY WEEKLY). Dan and Chris are “roommates” in the sense that Chris has an apartment, and Dan lives there. Occasionally he chips in for expenses. In this story, Dan is concerned that he might have been hired to murder someone. When he attempts to verify, things get complicated. This story holds the distinction of being the first Chris and Dan story narrated by Dan, who isn’t terribly observant or intelligent.
“The Adventure of the Bash-Beaned Fiancée”
In this story, wealthy British layabout Barnie Brewster’s fiancée has apparently been killed. Leading the investigation is the very famous consulting detective, Locksure Homes, and his assistant Dr Watsup. When the investigation takes a rather peculiar turn, it’s up to Brewster’s valet, Jaspers, to swoop in and clear up the mystery. This is the second story I’ve written with these characters. The first appeared in another just-released collection. Namely—
ASININE ASSASSINS: This collection from Weldon Burge’s Smart Rhino Publications centers on stories of serial killers, hired guns, and other rotten eggs—all of whom are plagued by stupidity, ineptitude, and weirdness. I was happy to get a story published in this one:
“Rip Ho, Jaspers!” This is the first story featuring Jaspers and Brewster—the hopelessly competent and capable valet and his hopelessly stupid, venal, and inept employer. In this story, Brewster has been carousing in Whitechapel with ladies of ill repute. When his imperious Aunt Dot discovers his indiscretions, she demands that Brewster eliminate the ladies before they besmirch their good family name.
CRIMEUCOPIA: AS IN FUNNY HA-HA OR JUST PECULIAR: A collection of odd and/or humourous (it was published in England!) stories from John Connor and Jack Bateman’s Murderous Ink Press. In addition to the great stories it contains, it also has the distinction of having a cover illustrated by ME! As for my story:
“Listen to My Pitch!” This is another Chris and Dan screwball potboiler in which Chris gets caught up in a complicated web of lies, deceit, financial malfeasance, and self-promotion gone awry.
The team at Murderous Ink also invited me to draw another cover for them—a book featuring a collection of “cozies” called CRIMEUCOPIA: THE COSY NOSTRA. This collection reckons with the cosy mystery story in its classic and modern forms.
All of the above are available for purchase right now!
Please see this page for some images of the covers in question, and a sort of behind-the-scenes look at my original line work for the two covers I created. Thank you and happy reading!
After leaving the Police Emergency National Intelligence Service, Jock Scratcher embraced a peripatetic lifestyle, traveling from town to town, place to place, destination to destination. Carried along on the metaphorical wings of fate, and on the literal wheels of buses and other motorized vehicles, he makes his way across the rich tapestry of America’s fruited plains.
That said, Scratcher doesn’t eat a lot of fruit.
He mostly eats coffee. And bacon. And donuts. And whatever else he can scrounge.
Scratcher doesn’t look for trouble. Trouble looks for him.
And usually finds him.
When it does, he’s happy to headbutt it, and kick it in the crotch. Because trouble has it coming.
Also, women usually find him. They find him very attractive.
There are two exciting Jock Scratcher thrillers. MELEE CHILD, and DEEP TASTE. Consider buying them NOW!
SHARTBOOM!
I thought that was a funny title when I came up with it. I have a real weakness/affinity for compound words. I’m not so sure now but I’m afraid I already put it on the cover of a collection of comics dealing with Intellectual Property issues, secret agents, brain pills, and of course the Flying Robot Tickle Poodle.
So practice your diaphragmatic breathing and check out SHARTBOOM volume 1, available now at Amazon.
Shartboom 3 is the latest in the Shartboom series of ridiculous satirical comics occasionally produced by Ricky Sprague. This edition features a story of pandemic hysteria entitled “Shelter in Place,” a tale of Military Industrial propaganda and trademark war called “Capt Marbull vs Captain Marbull,” a story of a unique and stupid murder investigation, and a story of a very intense snow shoveler. It’s available for purchase from Amazon right now!
My best friend Chris Wisnia has been writing and drawing a loving giant monster comic parody/satire featuring the intrepid photojournalist Doris Danger who was abducted by a giant monster as a girl—and she’s been searching for the truth about them ever since!
I color the pages. This is kind of involved. The conceit is that the comics were originally published by a fly-by-night kind of comics publisher in the early 1950s. The printing technology utilized by comics publishers back then was not nearly at the level we enjoy today, but some of those publishers really cut corners.
So, the pages are colored to reflect all the printing/color problems of the era. Furthermore, the issues weren’t treated with the utmost care by the people who purchased them. So, for reprint purposes we located the best-available copies. Unfortunately, those issues feature serious fading, rips and tears and taping, crayon scrawls, and whatever else I could dream up.
There are a few examples on this page. Chris’s website can be found here.
For those with a taste for strange, obscure, and under-appreciated cinematic fare, I highly recommend listening to me and my fellow “brains” discuss them on the FOUR BRAINS ONE MOVIE podcast.
I was going to list my co-hosts, but I’m afraid they might not want to be associated with my website.
Past highlights include my discussions of MAD LOVE and HANDS OF ORLAC, FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN and BLOOD FOR DRACULA, the original KOLCHAK THE NIGHT STALKER TV movie, XANADU, and PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE.
Hopefully our discussions will help you see these films in a new light. For my part, I usually talk about how much the films affect me emotionally, and try to place them in the larger context of the culture and the history of Art. I don’t really spend much time on filmographies and mise-en-scene and split diopters and so forth.
